BEAST
by tsukiryoushi
Summary: The movie Shrek performed with Disney characters, with Beast as Shrek, Belle as Fiona, Iago as Donkey and Kuzco as Lord Farquaad.
1. A Beastly Beginning

Well, I know I've already got a few other stories I should finish, but I just can't seem to get inspired. So to get my creative juices flowing, I'm doing this: A Disney style parody of the movie Shrek. Yeah, I know, dumb. lol

Anyway, enjoy!

(I own absolutely nothing.)

-BEAST-

"_Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess…_

_But she had an enchantment on her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible, lightening throwing thunder bird. Many brave knights had tried to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed._

_She waited in the thunder bird's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love… and love's first kiss…._

"Ha, like that's ever going to happen!" Someone laughed as they finished reading the fairy tale, then tore a page from the book. "What a load of…"

Before the speaker could finish his sentence, there was a flushing sound, and he came out of the out-house he had just been in, revealing himself to be a large beast. In fact, Beast was also his name. He was tall, and heavily built, and appeared to be a combination buffalo, lion, and wolf.

Beast shook some toilet paper from his foot paw and turned to look proudly at his little house, located right in the middle of a swamp. Not much, but it was his land, and he was proud of it. Not to mention, he got few visitors, which is exactly how he liked it.

After spending his day in the usual way, Beast was sure to paint a new sign for his property. A frightening self-portrait of himself, with the words "Beware Beast" printed beneath. This would ensure against any unwanted guests. Or, so he thought.

Little did Beast know that at that very moment, an angry mob of villagers nearby had gathered, complete with torches and pitchforks, and had gathered in front of Beast's house just as the sun was setting.

"Think it's in there?" Le Fou, the smallest of the men asked.

Razoul, the largest and the meanest looking, nodded in reply. "Alright." He said. "Let's go get it."

"Hold it!" Clopin, the third villager said, holding Razoul back. "Don't you know what that thing can do to you?"

"Yeah," Another villager named Mortimer Mouse continued. "If it catches you it'll bite your neck and suck out your blood!"

"Actually," Said a deep voice from behind. "That would be a vampire." The villagers turned around fast to see Beast behind them, and he slowly approached them, causing them to back up in fear. "Now beasts, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!"

"No!" Le Fou gasped.

"They'll shave your liver! Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!" Beast scratched his chin in thought. "Actually, it's quite good on toast."

Razoul, suddenly feeling brave, waved his torch in front of Beast and shouted "Back! Back you monster! I warn you!"

Beast, rather than be scared, simply put the torch out between his thumb and fore-finger, like it was a candle, much to the villagers' surprise.

Then, to further frighten them, Beast let out a terrible "RRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!" causing the villagers to scream like little girls.

After they had finally finished screaming, there was a pause, and Beast whispered "This is the part where you run away…"

Not needing to be told a second time, the villagers quickly ran for their lives, even abandoning their torches and pitchforks.

"And stay out!" Beast called with a laugh. Just then, he noticed a poster on the ground, left by the villagers, and read it. "'Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures'?" Beast just shook his head, and let the paper fall back to the ground, not really caring much about it.

---

The next day, there was a big gathering in the outskirts of the woods, near Beasts swamp, as many guards were rounding up fairy tale creatures and giving out bounties to whoever turned them in. Several carts and cages had been filled with everything from witches to wizards, and from fairies to dwarves.

Pete, the large, bellied head of the guards, sat at a table handing out the bounties, and a line formed in front of him. "Next!" He shouted, and a fox wearing a suit walked up, holding what looked like a living puppet.

"I have this little wooden puppet," Said Honest John, as he set Pinocchio on the table before Pete.

"I'm not a puppet!" Pinocchio cried. "I'm a real boy!" Just then, his nose grew in length.

"Huh. Five shillings for the possessed toy." Pete said, in a bored tone, and handed John his coins while some guards carried the wooden boy away. "Next!"

Back in the line there was a tall, thin man in Arabian clothes, carrying a cage with a red parrot in it. "Please!" Iago, the parrot pleaded. "Don't turn me in! I promise, no more wise-cracks!"

"Silence!" Jafar said through gritted teeth, shaking the cage. Soon, they reached the table, and Jafar set the cage down.

"What've you got?" Pete asked.

"I have a talking parrot." Jafar replied, proudly.

"Really? Well, that's good for ten shillings… if you can prove it."

"Oh, of course." Jafar replied. "Say something, Iago." Iago remained quiet.

"Well…?"

"Oh, he must be nervous," Jafar explained, forcing a laugh. "I usually can't shut him up." Jafar scowled at the parrot. "Talk you little…!"

Finally fed up with waiting, Pete sighed and shook his head. "I've heard enough. Guards!"

"No, wait!" Jafar protested. "He talks, it's true!" Not knowing what else to do, Jafar moved Iago's beak and said "I can talk, I love to talk! I'm the talkingest damn thing you've ever seen!"

"Get him out of my sight!" Pete growled, and two guards began to lead Jafar away by the arms.

But as he struggled, Jafar kicked Iago's cage, knocking it to the ground where it broke open.

"Yes!" The parrot cheered, as he flew into the sky. "I'm free!"

"He _can _talk!" Pete gasped.

"That's right, numbskull!" Iago called back. "And I'm flying outta here! Ha-ha!" But Iago was too busy gloating to watch where he was going, and he flew right into a tree, before falling to the ground.

"Get him!" Pete shouted, and he and two other guards ran after the fallen bird. Moving quickly, Iago jumped up and flew away, but he must have hurt his wing, because he wasn't gaining altitude. The guards chased him into the woods, and as he looked back they were almost on him.

Iago once again ran into something and was knocked to the ground, but this time he looked up to see it was the back of a large creature.

As Beast turned around to look down at Iago, the parrot shuddered in fear. But then, both of them turned their attention towards Pete and the guards who ran up. Iago, more scared of them than Beast, quickly hid behind the large creature.

Pete and the other guards gasped at the sight of Beast, but Pete shakily pulled out a scroll from his pocket and said "Y-you there… beast!"

"Yes…?" Beast asked, as he glared at Pete.

"B-by the order of… of Lord Kuzco… I am authorized to place you both under arrest… and take you both… to a designated resettlement… uh, f-facility."

Beast slowly approached Pete and towered over him. "Oh really?" He asked. "You and what army?" Beast motioned for Pete to look behind him, and he saw that his guards had both run away, abandoning their weapons in their fright. Pete looked at Beast once more before dropping the scroll and running away screaming.

Beast laughed to see a job well done and turned to head for home. But what he didn't count on was Iago following him.

"Hey, can I say something?" Iago asked, as he flew alongside Beast. "You, my friend, were really, really something back there!"

"Are you talking to…" Beast turned to face Iago, but the bird wasn't there. "…Me?" He turned forewords again, only to see Iago hovering right in front of him.

"Yeah, I was talking to you." Iago replied. "Did you see those guys back there? One look at you, and they went running like scared rabbits! It was amazing!"

"That's great, really." Beast muttered, as he continued along.

Iago kept following, chattering on and on. "Man, is it good to be free!"

"So why not celebrate your freedom with your own friends?"

Iago hesitated a moment. "I… I don't have any friends, actually." He said, almost sadly. "Hey, I got an idea! I'll stick with you! Think of it, you're a big, tough beast. Together we could take on anybody! And maybe even earn a profit now and then…"

Suddenly, Beast stopped, and Iago stopped to hover before him. Slowly, Beast turned to Iago, and reared back and let out an angry "RAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Iago was pushed back by the force of the roar, but just laughed. "Whoa, now THAT was scary! And if that don't work, your breath sure will! Haven't you ever heard of a tic-tac, or something?"

"Why are you following me?!" Beast demanded.

"I'll tell you why!" Iago replied, then stated singing "Cause I'm all alone... There's no one here…"

"Stop singing!" Beast shouted, grabbing Iago out of the air. "It's no wonder you don't have any friends, is it?"

"Wow, only a true friend would be so brutally honest!"

Beast sighed, and calmed a little. "Listen, little bird, look at me. What am I?"

Iago squinted his eyes and looked up at Beast a moment before saying "…Really tall?"

"No! I'm a beast! You know, 'grab your torch and pitchforks!'? Doesn't that bother you?"

Iago thought for a moment, before shaking his head. "Nah."

Beast seemed surprised at the answer. "Really?" He asked.

"Really, really." Iago replied.

Beast blinked confusedly a moment before he let Iago go and they continued on their way. "You know what?" Iago asked. "I like you. What's your name?"

"Beast." Beast replied.

"Just Beast, huh? Simple. Well Beast, you know what I like about you? You got that I-don't-care-what-anybody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that." Just then, they came within sight of Beast's house. "Eew! Who'd wanna live in a dump like that?"

"That," Beast replied. "Would be my home."

"Oh, and it's lovely!" Iago corrected himself. "I love what you've done with the place!"

The two approached the cottage and Iago noticed the sign Beast had made just yesterday. "I guess you don't entertain much." He said.

"I like my privacy." Beast answered, as he stepped onto his porch.

"Oh, I know what you mean!" Iago said, as he followed. "I hate it when some annoying person gets in your face. And you keep trying and trying to give them a hint, but they just won't leave! And then there's an awkward silence…"

Iago finally stopped talking, and Beast turned back to give him a small glare. An awkward silence settled.

"…Can I stay with you?" Iago finally asked.

"What?" Beast asked.

"Can I stay with you, please?"

"Of course!" Beast replied, sarcastically.

"Really?"

"No!"

Beast was about to enter his house, but Iago flew in front of him. "Please, you gotta let me stay! You don't know what its like to be considered a freak!" Iago looked Beast over and reconsidered this. "Okay, maybe you do… but that's why we gotta stick together! Please let me stay!"

"Alright!" Beast shouted. "But only for one night!"

"Oh thank you!" Iago said, before flying into the house. Beast followed as Iago perched atop a chair. "This'll be great! We can stay up swapping manly stories, and in the morning… I'm making waffles!" Beast sighed in annoyance, and held his head in his hands. "So… where do I sleep?" Iago asked.

"Outside!" Beast shouted, pointing to the door.

Iago's head drooped sadly. "Oh… okay, sure, I guess…" He said, as he flew to the door. "I mean, I don't know you, you don't know me… Outside is okay…" Iago flew out the door, and Beast slammed it shut. Iago perched on the porch, and looked back sadly at the door.


	2. On the Road Again

Well, I'm back with another chapter!

I got some reviews already, too, which made me happy. And while those reviews were al wonderful, there were also some valid points brought up. Namely Iago as Donkey, and adding some originality to the story. I'd like to say thanks for these reviews, I'm glad to see such interest in the story.

As for those points, I can see that Mushu as Donkey instead of Iago would be truer to the original character, but as both are voiced by Eddie Murphey, the resemblance is just too strong for my taste. Also, there's some concern about keeping Iago true to character. Not to worry, I intend to keep him every bit the greedy, loud-mouthed parrot we all know and love.

Then as for originality, I assure you I'll do all I can to keep the story from being a carbon copy of the movie. ( i wanna thank Anonymous But Interested for some great suggestions in that concern, it's a big help.)

Anyway, enough talking. Let's get on with the story!

(I do not own Disney or Shrek. I simply decided to mesh them together for awhile, that's all.)

2

Night soon fell over the swamp, and Beast was sure to prepare himself a nice dinner.

As he sat down to his table, a great meal set before him with a big wild boar as the main course, Beast was about to dig in, when he suddenly remembered Iago, and spared a guilty glance at the door. He had actually considered letting the poor bird come in, but thought better of it and turned to his meal again. But before he could even take one bite he was disturbed by a strange noise.

"I thought I told you to stay outside!" Beast shouted, getting up from the table to find Iago.

"I am outside!" Iago called through the window.

Confused, Beast looked all around for the source of the noise, but when he heard it again he turned to the table and found three mice, each blind and wearing sunglasses, wandering around the table.

"Well, it's a far cry from the farm," Said Basil, the tallest mouse who was dressed like Sherlock Holmes. "But what choice do we have?"

"It's not home, but it'll do." Bernard, the short, white mouse added.

The third mouse, a fat one with a big red mustache named Monterey Jack, hopped onto Beast's wild boar and bounced on it a bit. "Now this is a nice bed." He said in an Australian accent.

Beast approached the mouse and grabbed him, but when he opened his paw he found nothing there. Instead, Monty had somehow ended up on his shoulder and tugged on his ear. "I found some cheese!" He called to his friends, just before biting Beast's ear. Beast howled in pain. "Yuck! Awful stuff!"

Monty hopped back onto the table, and when he heard the thump Basil turned his way. "I say, Monty old chap, is that you?"

"How'd you know?"

"Enough!" Beast shouted, as he grabbed the three mice by their tails. "What are you doing in my house?!" But before he got an answer, Beast felt a shove and turned to see seven dwarves shoving a glass coffin onto his table. Inside was a girl with dark hair and pale skin. "Oh no, no, no!" Beast growled, trying to push Snow White's coffin away. "Dead broad off the table!"

"Where are we supposed to put her?" The Dwarf known as Grumpy demanded. "The bed's already taken!"

"Huh?" Beast walked to his bedroom and pulled back the bed curtains to see the Big Bad Wolf laying there (and wearing a dress for some reason.) "What?" Big Bad asked.

Beast angrily led Big Bad to the door, holding him by his collar. "I live in a swamp." He growled. "I put up signs. I'm a terrifying beast! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!" Beast tossed Big Bad out the door, but his ears drooped when he got a look at what was outside. "Oh no…"

His entire swamp had been overrun by fairy tale creatures, camped out all over the place. Bears, elves, fairies, witches… anything you could imagine.

Snarling angrily, Beast turned to the crowd of creatures and bellowed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!" As his words echoed across the land, the fairy tale creatures all cowered in fear. "All of you get out of here! Go on, move it! Let's go!" But rather than leave, some small creatures actually ran into his house and shut the door. "No, no, not there! Argh!" Beast sighed and turned to glare at Iago, who was perched nearby.

"Hey, don't look at me!" Iago protested. "I didn't invite them."

"Well gosh," Said Pinocchio. "Nobody invited us."

"What?" Beast asked.

"We were forced to come here."

"By who?"

"By Lord Kuzco." One of the three little pigs, the one in the carpenter's clothes, answered. "He huffed, and he puffed, and he… signed an eviction notice."

Beast sighed heavily and rubbed his aching forehead. "Alright, who knows where this Kuzco guy lives?"

For a moment, everyone just stared at one another, until Iago finally called out "Oh, I know! I know where he is!"

"Does anyone else know where he is?" Beast asked, desperately trying to ignore Iago. "Anyone…?"

Nobody answered, and Iago kept flapping around saying "I do! Pick me!"

"Anyone at all…?" Beast asked again, before finally giving up. "Alright… fine. Attention all fairy tale things!" He called out. "Do not get comfortable! Your welcome has officially run out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Kuzco right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!"

There was a pause, as the crowd went silent. But then, everyone cheered wildly, much to Beast's surprise… and annoyance. Some birds even went so far as to place a cape made of flowers on his shoulders, but he growled and shooed them away. "You." He said to Iago. "You're coming with me." Beast removed the flower cape and walked away, and Iago followed.

"Great!" The parrot cheered. "Beast and Iago, on a whirlwind adventure!" He rubbed his wings together greedily. "Not to mention, those fairy tale creatures may decide to reward us… Heehee." The two neared the edge of the swamp, and Iago began to sing "On the Road Again" much to Beast's annoyance.

"No singing." He said, flatly.

"Can I whistle?" Iago asked.

"No!"

"Well, can I hum?"

"Alright… hum it." And Iago did just that.

---

Meanwhile, in a large castle, a foreboding figure wearing a red outfit and large golden crown entered what appeared to be a torture chamber to find a large, dumb looking man named Kronk, dunking a cricket's head in some water. "That's enough," Said Kuzco, as he walked in. "He's ready to talk."

Kronk nodded and put Jiminy, the cricket, down on a stone table. Kuzco laughed evilly to himself as he approached the table, but stopped and cleared his throat impatiently when he realized the table was too tall for him. Kronk quickly lowered the table, and Kuzco smiled down at Jiminy. "Well, well, well." He said. "Looks like you're not such a good guide after all, eh Mr. Conscience?"

"You're a monster." Said Jiminy.

"I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of the fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect world! Now tell me, where are the others?!" Rather than answer, Jiminy just spit in Kuzco's eye. "Ya know, I've tried to be fair, but you've pushed me too far! Now tell me, or I'll…" Rather than explain, Kuzco grabbed one of Jiminy's antennae between his thumb and forefinger.

"No!" Jiminy cried. "Not my antennae!"

"Then tell me!" Kuzco shouted.

"Okay, okay…" Jiminy said sadly. "I'll tell you… Do you know… the muffin man?"

"The muffin man?" Kuzco asked.

Jiminy nodded. "The muffin man."

"Yeah, I know the muffin man… who lives on Drury Lane?"

"Well… she's married to the muffin man."

"The muffin man?"

"The muffin man!"

"She's married to the muffin man…"

Just then, the door opened and Pete rushed in. "Hey Boss!" He shouted. "We found it!"

"Well what are you waiting for?" Kuzco asked. "Bring it in!"

Moments later, the guards had brought in a large mirror, and as the group of people watched, flames rose in the mirror surface, and with a bolt of lightening a green face appeared. Even Jiminy couldn't contain an admiring "oooh" at the unusual spectacle.

"Magic mirror…" Kuzco started.

But he was interrupted by Jiminy shouting "Don't tell him anything!" Kuzco simply dropped him into a trash can, and continued.

"Hey there." He said, as he approached the mirror. "Magic mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

The mirror looked Kuzco over and sneered. "You overlook one important thing. It cannot be a kingdom, for you are no king."

"Uh, Kronk?" On cue, Kronk held up a small mirror and smashed it with his fist. "You were saying? And please, stop the rhyming."

The spirit in the mirror swallowed nervously, and continued. "What I mean is… you're not a king yet. But, you can become one."

This caught Kuzco's attention. "Go on…"

The Mirror sighed in relief. "So, just sit back and relax, My Lord, because it's time for you to meet our three eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!" The mirror's faced moved away to show the image of a blond girl, wearing a glittering white gown and glass shoes. The Mirror narrated. "Bachelorette number one is an emotionally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome… Cinderella!" The image then changed to that of a dark-haired, pale-skinned girl lying in a glass coffin. "Bachelorette number two is a cape wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her cold, dead lips and find out what a livewire she is! Come on. Give it up for… Snow White!" "The image now changed to a brown-haired girl in a blue dress, looking longingly out a window. "And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery girl from a thunder bird guarded castle, surrounded by boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off, she's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and curling up with a good book. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Belle! So, will it be bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three?"

Kuzco scratched his chin, thoughtfully, thinking hard over his decision. The gaurds and Kronk tried to coach his decision, shouting out who the thought he should choose. "Pick number three! No, number two! Choose one!"

Finally, Kuzco made up his mind and said "Okay, uh… number three!"

"Lord Kuzco," Said the mirror. "You've chosen… Princess Belle." Everyone cheered, as Belle's image appeared on the mirror's surface again, and Kuzco admired her beauty.

"Princess Belle…" He said. "Perfect. Now, I just need someone to go after her…"

"Perhaps I should mention what happens at night…" The mirror suggested, but was ignored.

"I'll do it!"

"But after sunset…"

"Silence!" Kuzco shouted. "I'll make Belle my queen, and KuzLoc will finally have the perfect king!" Kuzco snapped his fingers and turned to Pete. "Captain, assemble your finest men! We're gonna have ourselves a tournament!" Kuzco smiled evilly, as his plan began to form.

---

Just a quick note here: I apologize for making the mirror so out of character. I'll try my best to allow him to revert to his normal self soon.


End file.
